Nearly Five Months In

I stopped posting altogether awhile back because I wasn't sure that I wanted to document my life in this way. I still don't know. However, I do know that I miss writing and so I will write, unsure of how public this may be.

Caring for Grandma, still 102, has had challenges but the most difficult ones are not the ones I expected. During law school, I was also caring for my growing boy. When I graduated, he was three. I am sure school was more challenging for me than for other people because of my status as a single mother, but I didn't not feel that it was difficult. Charlie is an exceptional child and I loved motherhood. It wasn't being a mother that was difficult. Instead, it was dealing with the circumstances that revolved around being a single mother. As a single mother with a father who is involved, there is a need to deal with that person regularly. Early on (during my time in law school), I was still very much obsessed with winning this man's love. I knew I was a catch...my struggle was just getting him to realize and being willing to fight for me. I did things to that end of which I am not proud. So, it was things within my control that made going to law school as a single mother more difficult. One of my dearest friends contracted (if you can contract such a disease...or maybe discovered) mania during that time. It is hard to describe but basically she goes through episodes of time during which she thinks she is the most amazing person alive. One episode, in the beginning, she was convinced that she was Jesus Christ and tried to convince everyone around her--strangers and friends--to follow her. Before I truly understood the disease (and I am not sure I do now), she went through an episode during which she knew she was the most beautiful woman on earth and every man wanted her. As a naturally beautiful woman, that confidence made her all the more attractive. She decided that she wanted to be with my son's father. There was a lot of lying and deception that took place during this time and I do think it was one of the hardest times in my life to go through...to face all of that.
I think about this only because taking care of Grandma is difficult...yes. Most people would think that taking care of an aging person is difficult just like going through graduate school as a single mother is difficult. However, I am discovering that it is the not so pleasant things that come with caring for Grandma that have challenged me to my limits. The one most glaring is having to deal with my aunt. My mom is unsure as to when it happened but sometime in the last twenty to thirty years, she decided she hated my mom. This has been difficult for my mom because her sister hates her, yes. But, even more difficult is that my grandma is convinced that my mom must have done something hateful for her sweet "Anne" to hate someone. Nothing could be father from the truth. Anne lives in Boise, too...so, she is the only relative around for my grandma. From the beginning, she has come to visit Grandma. As much as I disliked the pain she has caused my mom, I decided that I need to get along with this person as we are both "caring for" Grandma. I bent over backward for this woman. When she wanted to see Grandma, often times, I took Grandma to her. If she wanted to take Grandma somewhere, I let her use my car, as it was easier to for Grandma to use. I thought things were going surprisingly well. When grandma first moved here, Anne visited often. However, as time went by, the visits became less frequent and there were times during which three weeks would go by without hearing from Anne. It tore poor Grandma apart. She knew that her daughter lived in the same town and yet there were no visits, no calls. A little over a month ago, Grandma knew that Anne had just returned from a trip. She asked me to get Anne on the phone. To help Grandma hear on the phone more clearly, we put the phone on "speaker" for her. Grandma was talking to Anne and Anne said, "Grandma, I am so glad you called. I would love to call you more but I really have a hard time dealing with Katie." I was shocked. I really couldn't believe what I had just heard. During the following two days, I thought a lot about what I heard and I decided to apologize for whatever I had done...although I didn't know for what I could apologize specifically.
The next time Anne came over, she went right into Grandma's room. After a few minutes, I went in and said that I was sorry if there was anything I had done to make communication with Grandma difficult as that was not my intention and I was really trying the best I knew how. That was really all I said and then I listened. She went from one thing to another as her voice began to raise. She told me that I should never ever ever talk to Monte...that I am to only talk to her! I found that comical as I have often received calls from Monte who is relaying to me a message from Anne. She continued to get more and more worked up and then began pointing at me, yelling, "You! You! and you have only ever been rude to me! To that, I questioned, 'What are you talking about, Anne?" "You know exactly what I am talking about. You are the rudest person I have ever met. You are so rude to me!" By this time, she was yelling and Grandma was sitting right there, a witness to it all.
After she has said her bit, I said something that I have wanted to say to her for a long time. I said, "Anne, you are crazy!" and made the crazy sign. She again told me how rude I was and tried to slam the door on me. I added, "Look, Anne, don't blame me for the guilt you feel for not coming to visit your mother." She said, "Don't ever talk to me again."
After that day, Anne showed up every day for about two weeks. She didn't call beforehand, she didn't knock on the door and she didn't acknowledge me as she went right in and talked to Grandma. At first, it killed me. I hated having her in my home when she disrespected my home and me so much. I wanted so badly to say something...or maybe write her an email. I drafted a few emails but my husband counseled me not to send it. He just advised me to be patient and let things settle down.
I don't know how Greg came to be so wise, but he truly is. He just knows how to deal with people in the right way. I followed his advice and I prayed to have my heart softened and the ability to not let Anne affect me. My prayers were answered. Within a few days, Anne still showed up unannounced and came in treating me like a nobody but, it no longer bothered me. Instead, I was able to see her for the tortured soul that she is and I just let her have her time with Grandma and I go upstairs. I am grateful for Greg, who is able to see things more clearly than I am.

In the past week, Anne has visited less and it is no longer such a stressful situation. Grandma wants to die so badly. She talks of it often. Many times she voices that she feels like a victim of Heavenly Father who has seen to torture her in this way. I know her situation is a hard one. She is completely dependent on others in ways she could have never fathomed. Additionally, since the episode with Anne, she has been quite troubled. It is as if things she believed about her children aren't exactly like she thought they were. I have been grateful for the whole thing as it has helped my Grandma heal ill and unfounded feelings toward my mom. I am so grateful for that because I know that has affected my mom.

Holding my breath

Day 4--fourth full day...and things are going really well. Greg, the eternal pessimist, counsels me not to hold my breath...that things were good at the beginning with my mom as well. Perhaps there is wisdom to his counsel. However, I am not inclined to think like that. I am not Grandma's daughter. She doesn't feel that motherhood responsibility. She doesn't feel like I owe her something or that she needs to correct me. My poor mother. Issues from childhood are so influential in a person's life. It really is amazing.

Today, when I awoke, Grandma was also awake. She had helped herself to the commode twice in the night...without waking me. It truly is amazing how much she can do by herself. I helped her with her morning routine: cleaned out her commode, made her bed (today was Saturday so I washed the sheets), helped her to the bathroom, changed her depends and her clothes and fixed something for her to eat for breakfast. After she was fairly settled for the morning, Charlie and Gwen and I went out to find garage sale treasures. We were late for such endeavors (10 am) but I did find a few things I liked, including a white lamp for Gwen's future bedroom and some good clothes for me. We also went to Wal-Mart and returned some items and then went shopping for some things we needed at the house. When my mom was here, she and Greg cleaned the windows so Grandma would have a better view and she advised me to get Ammonia. I got that and a phone that Grandma could have in her room and a few more items we needed. Greg was ready for us to get home at noon. However, shortly after we arrived, he had to leave to clean a house he recently built to ready it for an open house this next week. He is such a dear with Grandma. He helped her watch the video of herself being interviewed for a film about her older sister, Susie and then "On Golden Pond". Charlie, Grandma, Gwen and I went to the library and Grandma was able to get a lot of movies that I think she will enjoy including Little Women, Journey of Natty Gann, Tuck Everlasting and some other good ones. She also got some sequels to Anne of Green Gables. While at my mom's, she finished Anne of Green Gables and wants to keep reading.

Star Arrival

My mother and I drove my Grandmother Lillywhite to my home two days ago. Everything is smooth and I feel that this is the right place for Grandmother right now. She has been living with my mom for the past eighteen months. My parents have opened their home to her...literally. Grandma has been living in the front family room. I think that situation has been difficult for everyone involved. My parents, who are now grandparents to over forty children, could no longer entertain their little ones in the family room with comfortable couches, bookshelves and toy closets. Instead, they had covered their carpet with linoleum to be wheelchair wheelable and made various other adjustments to their main floor bathroom and entryway. For Grandma, I think has been difficult as well. I think she couldn't help but feeling like her bedroom in the main floor family room was symbolic of the imposition in my parents life. With the combination of my parent's children and grandchildren scattered across the United States, a desire to serve a mission for their church, and my dad's recent retirement from the university, the necessary care required by my grandmother limited their flexibility to travel and enjoy this period of life together. Although my mother was so happy to have an opportunity to be close to her mother and serve her, I believe my grandmother could feel like her presence restricted my mother and father.

About two months, I had a strong impression that it was time for me to take my turn taking care of my grandmother. I have always felt close to her. She allowed me and Charlie to come live with her during my last semester at law school in Provo. I am at a place in my life, newly married with one eight year old son and a seven-month old daughter, that Grandma's care would not interfere with my everyday life. I don't like to go out much because I feel badly for little Gwen in the carseat and we don't have a lot of expendable money. Moreover, I have felt for some time now that with so few children at home, now is the time for me to be contributing to the family income. Although I am open to working outside the home, if necessary, it is not my first choice. I am sure there is some way to find a way to work from home doing attorney contract work, I have discovered that trying to produce something that requires my brain in the midst of taking care of people is extremely aggravating for me emotionally and mentally. Having Grandma here allows me to care for people...solely. That is my responsibility. What a joy! I love it! I am so blessed to have this experience.