I stopped posting altogether awhile back because I wasn't sure that I wanted to document my life in this way. I still don't know. However, I do know that I miss writing and so I will write, unsure of how public this may be.
Caring for Grandma, still 102, has had challenges but the most difficult ones are not the ones I expected. During law school, I was also caring for my growing boy. When I graduated, he was three. I am sure school was more challenging for me than for other people because of my status as a single mother, but I didn't not feel that it was difficult. Charlie is an exceptional child and I loved motherhood. It wasn't being a mother that was difficult. Instead, it was dealing with the circumstances that revolved around being a single mother. As a single mother with a father who is involved, there is a need to deal with that person regularly. Early on (during my time in law school), I was still very much obsessed with winning this man's love. I knew I was a catch...my struggle was just getting him to realize and being willing to fight for me. I did things to that end of which I am not proud. So, it was things within my control that made going to law school as a single mother more difficult. One of my dearest friends contracted (if you can contract such a disease...or maybe discovered) mania during that time. It is hard to describe but basically she goes through episodes of time during which she thinks she is the most amazing person alive. One episode, in the beginning, she was convinced that she was Jesus Christ and tried to convince everyone around her--strangers and friends--to follow her. Before I truly understood the disease (and I am not sure I do now), she went through an episode during which she knew she was the most beautiful woman on earth and every man wanted her. As a naturally beautiful woman, that confidence made her all the more attractive. She decided that she wanted to be with my son's father. There was a lot of lying and deception that took place during this time and I do think it was one of the hardest times in my life to go through...to face all of that.
I think about this only because taking care of Grandma is difficult...yes. Most people would think that taking care of an aging person is difficult just like going through graduate school as a single mother is difficult. However, I am discovering that it is the not so pleasant things that come with caring for Grandma that have challenged me to my limits. The one most glaring is having to deal with my aunt. My mom is unsure as to when it happened but sometime in the last twenty to thirty years, she decided she hated my mom. This has been difficult for my mom because her sister hates her, yes. But, even more difficult is that my grandma is convinced that my mom must have done something hateful for her sweet "Anne" to hate someone. Nothing could be father from the truth. Anne lives in Boise, too...so, she is the only relative around for my grandma. From the beginning, she has come to visit Grandma. As much as I disliked the pain she has caused my mom, I decided that I need to get along with this person as we are both "caring for" Grandma. I bent over backward for this woman. When she wanted to see Grandma, often times, I took Grandma to her. If she wanted to take Grandma somewhere, I let her use my car, as it was easier to for Grandma to use. I thought things were going surprisingly well. When grandma first moved here, Anne visited often. However, as time went by, the visits became less frequent and there were times during which three weeks would go by without hearing from Anne. It tore poor Grandma apart. She knew that her daughter lived in the same town and yet there were no visits, no calls. A little over a month ago, Grandma knew that Anne had just returned from a trip. She asked me to get Anne on the phone. To help Grandma hear on the phone more clearly, we put the phone on "speaker" for her. Grandma was talking to Anne and Anne said, "Grandma, I am so glad you called. I would love to call you more but I really have a hard time dealing with Katie." I was shocked. I really couldn't believe what I had just heard. During the following two days, I thought a lot about what I heard and I decided to apologize for whatever I had done...although I didn't know for what I could apologize specifically.
The next time Anne came over, she went right into Grandma's room. After a few minutes, I went in and said that I was sorry if there was anything I had done to make communication with Grandma difficult as that was not my intention and I was really trying the best I knew how. That was really all I said and then I listened. She went from one thing to another as her voice began to raise. She told me that I should never ever ever talk to Monte...that I am to only talk to her! I found that comical as I have often received calls from Monte who is relaying to me a message from Anne. She continued to get more and more worked up and then began pointing at me, yelling, "You! You! and you have only ever been rude to me! To that, I questioned, 'What are you talking about, Anne?" "You know exactly what I am talking about. You are the rudest person I have ever met. You are so rude to me!" By this time, she was yelling and Grandma was sitting right there, a witness to it all.
After she has said her bit, I said something that I have wanted to say to her for a long time. I said, "Anne, you are crazy!" and made the crazy sign. She again told me how rude I was and tried to slam the door on me. I added, "Look, Anne, don't blame me for the guilt you feel for not coming to visit your mother." She said, "Don't ever talk to me again."
After that day, Anne showed up every day for about two weeks. She didn't call beforehand, she didn't knock on the door and she didn't acknowledge me as she went right in and talked to Grandma. At first, it killed me. I hated having her in my home when she disrespected my home and me so much. I wanted so badly to say something...or maybe write her an email. I drafted a few emails but my husband counseled me not to send it. He just advised me to be patient and let things settle down.
I don't know how Greg came to be so wise, but he truly is. He just knows how to deal with people in the right way. I followed his advice and I prayed to have my heart softened and the ability to not let Anne affect me. My prayers were answered. Within a few days, Anne still showed up unannounced and came in treating me like a nobody but, it no longer bothered me. Instead, I was able to see her for the tortured soul that she is and I just let her have her time with Grandma and I go upstairs. I am grateful for Greg, who is able to see things more clearly than I am.
In the past week, Anne has visited less and it is no longer such a stressful situation. Grandma wants to die so badly. She talks of it often. Many times she voices that she feels like a victim of Heavenly Father who has seen to torture her in this way. I know her situation is a hard one. She is completely dependent on others in ways she could have never fathomed. Additionally, since the episode with Anne, she has been quite troubled. It is as if things she believed about her children aren't exactly like she thought they were. I have been grateful for the whole thing as it has helped my Grandma heal ill and unfounded feelings toward my mom. I am so grateful for that because I know that has affected my mom.
